the ABCs of Rational Emotive Therapy

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Assertion Skills

How to say "No!" without losing the relationship

1. Perfectly valid no. "I've been out three nights this week. I'm staying home and watching television with the kids." Say it like you mean it!
   
   
2. No-after-saying-yes no. "I've made a mistake. I shouldn't have committed myself. I'm sorry. I'll have to back out." Hang up the phone and give a huge sigh of relief!
   
   
3. Five Star no. "I'll have to pass it up." There's no comeback for this.
   
   
4. Not-right-now no. "I've done it in the past and I'll do it in the future, but I can't do it now." You can offer them a target time to try you again.
   
   
5. Polite no. "I'm sorry, but my schedule doesn't permit me to take on anymore obligations this ______________." (fill in the blank with: afternoon, week, month, year, decade…]
   
   
6. No-way no. "No." This one is for a teenage son who wants you to call your friends for a ride so he can have the car. Look directly into his eyes, smile, enunciate clearly. Just say "No."
   
   
7. Diplomatic no. "It was kind of you to think of me. I'm flattered you asked. I'm sorry I won't be able to do it." If you're not sorry, then don't say so!
   
   
8. Cowardly no. "My _______ doesn't want me to do that." [fill in the blank with: husband, wife, mother, child, boss, therapist, pastor, etc.]
   
   
9. Absolute no. "I cannot do this. I don't have the desire, the time, the interest, the money or the energy. No. Absolutely not. Never." Save this for only special occasions.
   
   
10. Negotiated no. {Refuse with an alternative to substitute.}

• "No, I will not do that, but I will do this instead: ________." [fill in your plan]
  
• "No, I will not do that, but you could ask _______ instead." [fill in another's name]
  
• "No, I will not do that then, but I'd be willing __________." [fill in when you would]
  

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